My Top Three Reasons Twilight is Terrible

I already know.

I already know that by virtue of me writing/posting this, there are going to be hundreds (of thousands) of girls that hate me. That's ok. I don't really give a sparkly vampire's rear end at this point.

See, I just got on Facebook. I don't think there's a day this week when my news feed didn't contain something about those books/movies/fictional characters that people lust over pointlessly. I kind of got tired of it. I decided to strike back with a post of my own, so here are my top three reasons I think these books are stupid.

DISCLAIMER: Before any of you write me off as incompetent, uninformed, or just plain out there, know that I did in fact read these books. I got tired of folks talking about it around me and not being able to contribute, and it's stupid to criticize what you haven't even put forth an effort to understand, so I read them. This isn't uninformed babble. It took me a week to read the four of them, and I'll never get that week of my life back. Completely wasted. Except for the laughs I got from them.

1. Edward Cullen is a cheezy ripoff of James Dean.

From the first time I saw the character Edward in that movie, I kept getting the feeling that something was eerily familiar, like I'd seen him before. For a few minutes I thought it may have just been the fact that Robert Pattinson also played Cedric Diggory in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, but that wasn't even it. I couldn't put my finger on it. A week or two later, I saw the DVD case for “East of Eden” laying beside a friend's television and I understood. Take, for instance, these pictures:

Some things to note: Take a look at the hair. The hair on Edweird is identical to the hair on Dean. Look at the collar pop. Same on both of them. Similar jackets, similar facial expressions. Similar pretty much everything.

I mean, think about it. You're trying to market books/movies to the female market. Who is the icon for rebellious, suave, edgy male protagonists from the moment he set foot in

front of a camera? James Dean, hands down. Countless people have done it. Few have done it worse than the character of Edward Cullen. How did he do it worse, you ask? James Dean told his father to stand up for him. He stood up to his own parents in Rebel Without a Cause. Edward runs away because he "loves" Bella. I haven't figured that out yet. "If you really love something, you'll let it go." Bullcrap. Tell me someone who's left their spouse for someone else they're cheating with, told their ex-husband/wife this trashy quote, and the spouse said, "Ok, I love you, so I'm alright with this." Doesn't really work in the real world. You fight for those you love, not run away to Italy so you can...

2. Sparkle. Real vampires (if they existed) wouldn't sparkle.

This one just bothers me. Anne Rice shares a little bit in common with Stephenie Meyer. They both write vampire books. They both have vampire movies. The same could be said for Bram Stoker. I mean heck, she wrote Dracula. Countless movies about that guy. But what's different about Twilight? The vampires sparkle. That's about the weakest thing I've ever heard. Vampires do one thing when they meet the sun, and that's go down in a fiery blaze of glory. Ask any of the dead things on Buffy. Ask Dracula. Ask Lestat, Louie, or Blade. Ask any fiction aficionado: sun+vampire=extra crispy. Here's the difference between movies:

Edward, in his ridiculousness, sparkles. And then he COMPLAINS ABOUT IT. "I look like a walking diamond. I'm so hideous." If this was a real guy, we'd all get annoyed and groan because this cat is definitely fishing for compliments right now. Plus being really melodramatic.

I'm sure Claudia here would have LOVED to sparkle like a diamond. Instead, she gets burned alive. See, Claudia here knows what's supposed to happen when the sun hits a vampire: fireworks. Under the epidermis.

At least he still dies in Goblet of Fire. He was also pretty geeky in that movie. Sure, he can stop a van with his hand, but he couldn't do much of anything about that Avada Kedavra, now could he?

3. Edward Cullen has a really creepy personality for a male romance protagonist.

Ok, think about it this way. IN THE REAL WORLD, how romantic would it be if you woke to find a random guy that you've been at school with for one day watching you sleep? And if you actually didn't die of fright at having this uninvited man in your room at night, less than ten feet from your sleeping, helpless body, you might ask him how he got in. Is it really that romantic for him to say, “Oh, I climbed the side of your house and came in your window without your police officer father even noticing I was here”? That's a little bit much. That is when people in their right mind go running and screaming for the nearest shotgun while yelling “get out of my house, you freak.”

Kind of like this guy. See, this guy is coming in through some sort of window. I don't really care that it's a windowed door. He's breaking in. Would you be alright if this guy decided he wanted to watch you sleep? I'd shoot this joker if I found this guy in my daughter's room. And no sparkly skin would save him from the wrath of the Ithaca Shotgun I would magically procure. This is NOT sexy, girls. Not cool at all.

I rest my case. Just that abruptly.