So here I am at 2:00AM thinking about some of the things Ben said last night, and I figure a lot of the stuff he said was dead on point. Him talking about Wants vs. Needs really hit the nail on the head in my life, because that's something that I struggle with on a daily basis. I thought that maybe I should write down the things I was thinking. Who knows? It may help somebody else.
I think the best thing Ben did tonight in terms of an illustration was bringing up relationships. I'll even submit that I think that's one of the biggest struggles around here. Personally, I've wondered for a long time what the hold-up is. I've even said some very impatient, very disrespectful things to God about it. I've asked Him how He can see how much I fight to try and live the way He wants me to and not give me a partner to fight that fight with. I've told Him more than a few times that I don't think that's fair. Of course, that's usually in the heat of the moment and I regret it later, but I truly feel that way at those times nonetheless. What I've come to realize lately that that line of thinking is very legalistic and at times I could even classify it as witchcraft or sorcery.
Does that really sound that strange to just say? Maybe just because we have some crazy stereotypes. What is witchcraft anyway? Witchcraft is performing rituals, saying specific words, or doing certain things in order to get the powers that be, or in the case of reality, God to do something specific for us. In the world of pagans, that may mean weird things with candles and strange words. In the world of “organized Christianity” that may mean praying with certain words, only renting movies of a certain rating, only wearing certain clothes and going certain places, and then expecting that because of everything that YOU'VE done God will pay you back out of His obligation to be “just.” That's a warped definition of “just” and it's trying to control God. That's the essence of witchcraft.
That being said, does God reward believers, His kids? Absolutely. Hebrews 11:6 says that “without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to Him must believe that He exists and that He rewards those who earnestly seek Him.” Notice though: what is the believer seeking? Is he seeking a wife? Money? Power? Social Status? Ease of Living? Absence of Sickness? No. He's seeking God Himself. If you're seeking God, none of those other things would really be a reward, would they? It's not what you're looking for. The reward for seeking God is God. Those other things aren't necessarily guaranteed. If You or I ever find ourselves living a lifestyle of doing things in order to get God to reciprocate and give us the things we want, we're living a life of idolatry by worshipping something other than God. Sometimes we even have the nerve to ask God to help us worship this other god. Does this sound familiar: “God, I'd do anything to get her back. Just tell me what You want!” Or how about this: “God, he's the one I want, so just tell me what to do and I'll do it if You'll let me have him! I know you can do it!” I'm definitely guilty of the first one of those two (You won't find me asking God for a guy). That's some witchcrafty type stuff right there, believing that because of some things we do that God is obligated to do things for us or believing that God is someone to be bargained with, like He actually needs anything we could possibly give Him. He made the universe by speaking! What could we possibly do for Him that He couldn't do Himself? We live lives of purity not because we're trying to earn good things from God, but because we love Him.
But even with all of that, there's nothing wrong with desiring a partner. God said in Genesis that it's not good for man to be alone; we weren't designed for life on an island, destined to live in solitude for forever. There is a deep desire in every human being for companionship. What we have done as a culture is idealize and deify this search for companionship. All of our stories are “love” stories. Even the action/adventure type movies always have the guy-gets-girl or girl-gets-guy subplot going on. Heck, horror movies even fit the bill. They're way off the mark because nine times out of ten they show sex without any semblance of intimacy and oneness through marriage, but they're still appealing to that primal desire to not be alone. We go wrong when we believe these idealized stories. We've been raised to believe that when we find this girl (guys) or this guy (girls), everything will fall into place. If things don't click, that means they must not be “the one” so we drop them and move on to the next prospect, hoping that things will be more instantaneous, more perfect. Sometimes the opposite is true. Sometimes things don't work out and we degrade ourselves, convincing ourselves with every word that they were perfect and the reason it didn't work out was completely our fault. We look for completion in a heart that is just as twisted, mangled, and carnal as our own instead of looking for completion through the Author and Finisher of our faith, Jesus.
To the guys (I'm also having to remind myself of EVERY SINGLE POINT in this list): Treat girls with respect. Treat them like the daughters of God that they are. At the same time though, remember that they are only human. They make mistakes just like you and me. If you seek fulfillment in these girls, they're going to let you down. Don't put them on a pedestal that defines your manhood, because if you do you're only ever going to feel inadequate, or at best, trapped in a cycle of performance and proving yourself to her. You are made in the image of God and can find fulfillment in Jesus alone. Ask yourself this: If you were to live your life forever as a single guy, never marrying a girl, would you feel like God had slighted you? Would you be angry at Him? If so, it's good for us to remember that these are HIS daughters anyway, not our wives/girlfriends/prizes for the taking. Why do you live the way you do? Is it because you want God to give you someone in return for your goodness? That's idolatry and witchcraft. You're worshipping something other than God, and God shares His worship with no one. He's probably not going to help you worship an idol. Our God is not a weak, passive God. He's a warrior. Spend the time NOT in a relationship to learn and grow in Christ. Let Jesus show you what being a man really means. Learn how to pursue something wholeheartedly and without fear; let Jesus show you what perfect love really means, because perfect love drives out all fear (1 John 4:18). Only then will you be prepared to love a woman the way God would have you do. If you're letting the girls pursue you, something is wrong. The man is supposed to be the initiator; we love them enough as our sister in Christ first, so we give them the right to accept us or reject us. It's pretty cowardly to fear rejection so much that we allow them to make the first move. That's not being a man. That's being a joke. No real woman wants a joke.
To the girls: I'd tell you what I told the guys: don't let the love of a man define your worth and beauty as a woman. If a guy isn't chasing you at the moment, take the time to love Jesus even more and get to know Him even more. Let Jesus make you wise. Get spoiled by His love. Get used to that kind of love, so that way when a less-than-desirable guy comes along and tries to sweep you off your feet with a few sly words, you'll see right through his two-bit sham. No man can love you like God can, but if God has it in His plan for you to marry, then you better believe that He is training up one of His sons to be able to treat you like you deserve to be treated: as a daughter of the King. Wait for that guy. In the meantime, there are lots of your brothers in Christ who are in the process of growing and getting to know their Dad. These guys, not of their own choosing, are hardwired very physically. Because of that, sometimes when you think you dress “cute,” you make these guys who are trying to live for Jesus stumble. Now I'm not saying I think it's inappropriate for a girl to try to look nice...I'm just saying that sometimes one needs to think if it's really necessary to own a shirt that is that low-cut. Or that tight. The “too-tight” thing goes for pants as well. What's the goal of those clothes? What image do you want for yourself? What kind of guys do you think that will attract? We live in a world where guys are bombarded with sex everyday. According to lightedcandle.org, more than 70% of men ages 18-34 visit a pornographic website at least once monthly and the internet is a significant factor in 2 out of 3 divorces. Think about that when you go through your closet. Of the ten guys that will see you in that outfit, seven of them have seen porn at least once that month. Do you want to make yourself look anything remotely like the sex objects they've had stuck in front of them?
I've said some pretty blunt and to-the-point stuff on here, but I'm not trying to sound condemning. Heck, I'll admit that I could smack myself in the face and yell “hypocrite” really loud just for writing this, because at times I am. But we're human. If we are in Christ, we are new creations, but we still inhabit fallen bodies with a tendency to do fallen things. I love my Christian family and I know relationships and sex cause a whole lot of pain, and I don't want that for anyone. I'm not trying to condemn. I thank God every day that I have Christian friends and a church that I can discuss things like this with. Relationships, Sex...some would keep from talking about this in church because it's “inappropriate.” I think the Church is the most appropriate place in all of creation to talk about these things, because where the Church is silent, other voices will speak. It's all in love.
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